intro to whatever the fuck this is going to be!

i guess this is going to be some sort of informal introduction of myself, so hello there. i don't know what kind of information i want to reveal, but i'm thinking all of it. (hopefully) none of you know me. it's like the girls in movies who have anonymous blogs to post their deepest, darkest shit. maybe I've been in a movie this entire time without knowing... either way, i don't quite know where to start exactly, so i'll just jump right in. i'm a 17 year old girl from the midwest. i have chronic depression, like 97% of teens these days, and panic disorder. unlike them, however, i've been diagnosed a couple of times and have tried at least a dozen medications. none of them have completely worked yet.
i've spent time in a psychiatric hospital for youth, it was unfortunately one of the worst times of my life. the staff didn't let you hug or touch anyone else. you couldn't leave your room unless it was lunch or therapy time. no doors, no erasers, no strings on pants, no shoes, no contact with anyone but legal guardians, weekly blood tests, a strip search, no going outside... it was hell. i bullshitted my way out; i said what they wanted to hear in the tone of voice that they wanted to hear it. i know that's terrible, but being cooped up in there only made my depression and anxiety skyrocket. and i mean, i was around other really depressed people 24/7.
i was originally admitted because i attempted suicide. it was my third attempt, so i was hoping it was going to be "the charm". it wasn't. i don't know when i began self-loathing, but it's only grown. at least my self-love has also grown, but it's always a power battle. i always go back and forth in extremes. luckily, art helps me out kind of a good amount. i always feel better after having made a piece i'm proud of. if i made someone else's day even the slightest bit better, then how shitty of a person can i actually be?
my parents are verbally abusive to both one another, myself, & my sisters. they are overly religious, which in my opinion is ironic. my dad is most likely a closeted gay man who spent my college tuition savings fund on his sugar baby who lives 1,000+ miles away. my mom suffers from bipolar disorder and never ever ever ever washes her hands. oil, grease, sticky things, wet things, & other various substances literally everywhere. this is where my beautiful anxiety disorder developed!
11 other random things you should know about me: 1) i have a dog whom i love more than myself. 2) i'm technically diagnosed with asperger's syndrome? i still kinda think it's bullshit cuz they based this off of how i problem solve, and apparently it's different than what is "normal". whatever, just thought i should include. not ashamed at all, just don't think it's legit. 3) i love colors. things can sound like colors to me. also each person kinda sounds & acts like a color to me... idk dude. 4) i'm quite into astrology and will not be offended if you think it's bullshit. but i love it nonetheless. i'm an aries btw! capricorn moo, gemini ascendant/rising, & pisces venus! in case you were wondering lmao. 5) i'm non-religious. i don't believe in any afterlife or higher powers; i just think that people should care for themselves, one another, animals, & nature. 6) i love school & respect teachers a lot. don't mind me if i ever go on about how much i love them. shoutout to that good workforce! 7) i am a feminist! i think men & women should be granted equal opportunities worldwide and i find it crazy that people disagree! women in saudi arabia still can't drive or leave the house without a male guardian, just saying. 8) i'm a heterosexual female teenager, so i might also go on about teenage boys! i fucking love em! sorry! 9) i play the sims 4 & mod my game sometimes, othet times i don't i love maxis match cc. that is all. 10) i read a lot of articles & watch a lot of random, factual videos on youtube. like those "50 facts you never knew" or "25 maps that will change the way you see the world" or hank green's entire channel. yeah sorry, i love science & math & history & english & everything about everything ever! i blame my 142 IQ & inability to diligently complete homework. lastly, 11) i love makeup a lot actually! shoutout to my sister for teaching me everything i know!
so, majority of the time i probably won't be super deep on here. i just need some sort of outlet for all of my list-making & organization that may be beneficial to others in some way. also an indefinite & permanent outlet for my creativity, where i can see how I've changed & grown. thanks for reading, i'll post again soon.